Monday, November 18, 2013
I don't even know how to begin something like this. I've never been a very strong writer, but I know I can't communicate verbally as well as I like, and I'm a pretty ugly crier so that makes it a little bit harder. I haven't felt anything other than rage these past two days. I feel like, my joy has been robbed from me. If I allow myself feel anything other than rage, and let my guard down, there's a good chance there is no holding back that dam, and I will essentially become a non functional human being. And, I can't let that happen. I'm pretty much single parenting two kids, and they need me. And honestly... they are the only happiness I have in my life right now, I am happy being around them, and they really light up my day. I would never do anything to hurt them.I have a limited support system, a good amount of friends, with no family living anywhere near me. I just don't feel right unloading my children on anyone else. When I begin to tear up, I tell myself to hold it together, and take a few deep breaths and I'm okay again. (Typing that makes me think of my patriarchal blessing, especially the line that states my children will bring my joy.) These past two days, I've learned a lot more about my husband, than I probably have these past 8 years. It's not even the act he did, which hurts more than anything, but the total betrayal of my trust because of the way he talks about me to his colleagues. They know a lot more about me than I would ever care to tell anyone, and it's never shone on a positive light. I don't know if people know this, but I am very aware of my weight problem, and how negative I can be. I really have been trying to work on the negativity, especially after Lorelei was born, because I want my kids to know love and happiness, and they can't unless I show them how. Maybe not in the past couple of days, where I have let negativity swallow everything in my life, but I know I am a much better person than I was before Wyatt was born. I think the failure in our marriage is largely caused by a lack of communication, with each other, and with Heavenly Father. It's been brought up many times by me, and wanting to get help, but nothing ever came of that. I never understood his secrecy about everything, and it really hurt the relationship we had. I think at this point in my life, I really do need to find a way I can support my children, and just find a fresh start. Everything just feels so broken, and irreparable right now. I just want to find the best path for everyone, Blake included, and I don't think that is with me. I just can't talk to him right now, it hurts when I see pictures or any mention of his name. If there has been no happiness between us these past few years, only obligation to the kids, is there really a point in going on...especially after the ways I feel like I have been betrayed. I have known plenty of women who have raised very well balanced extraordinary children by themselves, so I know it's possible. And I know I have the drive to do just that. It's fairly obvious that it's going to be a really long path for everyone involved, and I don't know when I will be able to trust anyone the way I did before. Even after typing this, I'm still going to give everything some time to breath, and hopefully with a lot of thought and prayer, I will be able to figure out what is best.